Response to Kody

            The story was about a guy named Mark who seems to be in a bit of financial trouble. He is on the brink of losing his house and he is not really sure what to do about it. He seems, at first, to live a normal life with his three kids, until the kids go and stay with their mom and he goes to the bar to hang out with some of his buddies. There we find out he works at a pharmacy and may have a history of selling prescription drugs. In the end I’m not exactly sure how the character changes. At one point Mark mentions that he stays on the right side of the law, so I thought maybe his change was doing whatever it took to make ends meet. Then, I remembered the conversation he had with his friend when his friend told Mark that he probably knew what to do better than anyone else. That gave me the idea that maybe Mark had done this before, so I feel like his change was a little bit unclear.

            The story was a bit choppy. I felt like there were a lot of very short sentences, and that works sparingly. I feel like maybe there should be some longer sentences in there with the short ones. I also felt like there were a lot of fragments. I just feel like the choppy aspect works if you don’t overuse it. Also, in the section where he is at the bar talking to his friend, I feel like that should be made into dialogue instead of just “then I said, then he said” kind of stuff. I think that it would be a bit more interesting, and easier to read if you wrote it as dialogue.

            I like the general idea you have with this story. A single man has three kids and he is struggling with money. However, his change just needs to be more apparent. As I said before I couldn’t tell if he had dealt drugs before or if this was his first time, so I was confused on if the character changed at all or not. Also, like I said, I like the choppy was you wrote, I just feel like it should be cut down a little.