Response to toddler story

            The story was about a family of three, a mother, a father, and a child. One day while the mother was cooking, or doing something around the stove, the hot boiling water fell on the toddler. The mother and the father tried desperately to tend to his burn with cool water and gauze. It wasn’t until they took the toddler’s diaper off that they realized the boiling water had gotten into his diaper, and that was the cause of most of his pain. They once again tried to cool the burns with water and gauze and then preceded to drive the toddler to the emergency room, however the baby did not make it, or at least that is what I got from the ending.

            I’m sure you already know that I didn’t much care for this story because I hate reading anything bad that happens to toddlers because all I can picture is something happening to one of my nephews. However, I related directly with this story because when my first nephew was a toddler I had a similar experience. I left my flat iron for my hair on, with the cord hanging down, and left the restroom. My nephew went in and pulled the iron down and got third degree burns on his wrist. While this is obviously a much less severe case, I could still relate to the story and it honestly made me tear up, which is good because it evoked emotion.

            While the imagery was hard to read, it was well written. I could clearly picture a toddler pulling a pan down and burning himself. I can also picture the pinkness of the skin, and the way it seems to steam from the scalding heat. The main this I could learn from this author is definitely describing things in such a way that it makes you feel something. I feel like a lot of the time my descriptions are flat and don’t really mean that much, so I could learn a lot from the way he writes.

Response to Adam

            The story is about a kid who seems to be going down the wrong path, a troublemaker of sorts. He seems to enjoy stealing things and breaking the law because it is a rush for him. He also has a girlfriend named Jenny who is more of a goody-goody, but that is what he likes about her. He is attracted to her innocence. When he ends up stealing a jacket for her, she gets upset with him and their relationship gets a little rocky. Later in the story the boy’s sister dies, and in an attempt to reconnect with him, Jenny steals a pair of earrings and brags about them to her boyfriend. In the end he is sort of sick at the influence he has given Jenny and he just wants her to be herself again.

            I liked the story, I thought it was original and it was not at all what I expected. When I saw that there was a relationship involved I was waiting for a sappy romance, but the story line was different and was a pleasant surprise. I also liked how, in the end, Jenny was the one who changed for the worse. I kind of expected the character and Jenny to have some sort of a “come to Jesus” meeting where she tries to put him on the right path. I liked that she tried to go bad for him and because she is following in his footsteps it makes him sick. He wants to keep her innocence because that is what attracted him to her in the first place.

            I had a few ideas for the story. I would have liked to see more dialogue. I didn’t feel like there was any in the story at all. I feel like if you added more dialogue it would help us connect with the characters a little more, and make them more real rather than flat. Also, the character seemed to be really upset at his sister’s death and we really didn’t get to see his relationship with her, which causes us not to care very much about that particular instance. I feel like you have a great story here and a lot to work with.

Response to Nate

            The story was about a boy who seemed to have gotten in trouble with alcohol, and as a result he ended up having to do community service. His community services included working at night on the beach to find turtle nests and cover them so that the turtles could get out and the raccoons couldn’t get to them. One night when he was digging a hole he discovered a box. He and the guy he worked with, John, opened the box and found gold. The two were planning on what to do with their newfound fortune when John admitted that it was a scam. The protagonist was once again disappointed with his summer and only looked forward to the end of it.

            I wasn’t exactly sure how the character changed because he seems to have a bad view from beginning to end. He starts off the summer in a less than ideal way, and when he thinks things are looking up for him, it all goes to hell again. Therefore, I don’t really see how his outlook has changed, or how he has changed for that matter. However I could be reading the entire thing wrong. Sometimes I don’t pick up on subtle changes like others in the class do. Also, there were a few problems with your dialogue. You didn’t indent when there were new speakers, and you punctuated some parts of the dialogue, but left out punctuation on other parts.

            I feel like you have a really and unique story working for you here. At first when I read that the two had found the treasure chest I was thinking of a cliché ending where the gold is found and either someone steals it, or the characters do something with it. Honestly I don’t really know where you were headed with this story but I had an idea that would involve changing a lot of it. My thought was that you could have this kid do the same community service and develop a love for trying to save the sea turtles. Then, when they find the gold it turns out to be real, and instead of the character using it selfishly, he could use it to help save the sea turtles. It may sound kind of like a cheesy story, but I was just going to throw an idea out there. 

Response to Taylor

            The story was about a guy named Brad who is a supervisor at a hotel. He manages the events that go on in the hotel. He is also seeing a girl that he works with who doesn’t seem to like him very much while they are at work. That night they are hosting a sorority party with 900 guests and Brad seems to be pretty nervous about it. In the end the guests of the event turn out to be entirely too rowdy, and Brad has to shut everything down. It ends with Alyson waiting on Brad basically telling him he is a prick at work, but that he is a responsible prick. I am not exactly sure how the character changed. The entire story is about this guy being a supervisor and having all this responsibility when really he wants to be like every other college student, but in the end I am not exactly sure how he changed at all.

            I like the general idea of the story. I feel like you have a good amount of conflict in the story, just the change of the protagonist was unclear to me. Also, I liked your dialogue. While there are a few errors throughout the dialogue, I feel like it was done well and that the conversations sounded realistic. I also liked your descriptions of the people coming in for the event.

            The main thing the story needs is an obvious change in the character. I feel like you could have him quit his job and try to live like other college kids do, but that change would be expected. I am not exactly sure what you could do to make this character change in a way that the readers wouldn’t expect, but I feel like that is really what the story needs. Also, as I said I feel like your dialogue is realistic, I was confused in a few parts where I thought the same person was speaking, but a new line with a indention started which would indicate a new speaker. I could just be reading the story wrong, but there were a few places that the dialogue lost me. 

Response to Jessica

            The story was about a girl named Lindsey who has never met her dad. Her dad is a major league baseball player now, and even though she has watched one of his college games over and over, she wants to go see him play major league in person. Lindsey ends up getting tickets and going to the game, thinking she is tricking her mom into thinking she is really going to the lack with a friend. As she approaches the game she sees her dad warming up, however after that she does not see him again. At the end a security guard takes her down to wait for him outside the locker room, but she is disappointed again. When she returns to her car she sees that there is a piece of paper on it. The note is from her father. He said that Lindsey’s mother had called and told him she would be coming, but that he wanted to meet her while her mother was around. Lindsey seemed to have made the change from just wanting to see her father in person to actually being hopeful at the prospect that she might be able to meet him. In the beginning all she wants to do is see him in person, and in the end she is left with the hope that she will actually get to have a relationship with the father she never knew.

            I liked the story. I enjoyed your descriptions because they were very vivid so it was easy to imagine exactly what Lindsey was seeing. I also liked how the story went against my expectations. When I first started reading it I expected it to be a story about an athlete that maybe got hurt or something else happened and he ended up changing. I did not see the aspect of a daughter watching the father she’d never met some into play. I also liked how the mother seemed to know what the daughter was really up to. I expected the ending to be that Lindsey would finally give up hope on ever seeing her father, so the ending didn’t do what I expected either. I think you did a good job with this story.

            I really only have minor details that could be changed. There were a few grammatical errors and things of that nature, but I don’t have any huge ideas for changing the story. I enjoyed it.